Love your enemy - everyone can change: David Cameron

IssueMay 2006
Comment by Sian Glaessner

Well we've all heard that slogan by now haven't we? Something about blue green algae? Pond slime?

Yes, David Cameron and his merry band of Tories have suddenly discovered that bicycles are The Way Forward and have turned their well-tailored be-suited backs on the luxury Rolls, the Mercs and the SUVs. Jolly good isn't it? Cameron has Two Great Men working to make sure he stays green: John Gummer (he of “eat the mad cow burger” fame) and Zac Goldsmith (an eco pin-up if ever there was one). He even sold his Porsche - a true sacrifice for the cause.

His hobbies - tennis, riding, country sports, television, cooking - are all green too [well, if persecuting small furry animals counts as “green” -Ed], so don't worry Gaia, Dave's come to the rescue.

Sexy biker Dave

He passed a peaceful childhood in Oxfordshire, then Eton, then Brasenose, then... the world?

He's worked in media, he's worked in political research, and in 2006 he was voted the 92nd sexiest man in the world by a New Woman readers' poll.

Cripes. Sounds like a nice chap what? Well, I'd have dinner with him, but then, I'm on my ninth whiskey as I write this and the good stuff might have got the better of my judgement. We could talk compost and devise a direct action campaign that would halt all airport expansion in the UK for good.

Or maybe not, after all, who am I kidding? He's no Gandhi, he just rides a bike.

Fair trade Dave

As a junior parliamentarian he loyally followed the Tory party Whip, and was 100% behind the Iraq War. Now, how green was that Dave? But answer came there none...

He says things like “I want to switch on a whole new generation”, but perhaps that was the (alleged) coke talking. He talks about himself as a “compassionate conservative”, so one can only assume that - were he to be the drug-taking sort - and should he decide to snort a line or two, his eco-coke would be fairly traded and sourced from sustainable cocoa farms, owned and controlled by the workers [“EcoCoke - for rock stars and politicians with a conscience!” ... damn, I could be onto something here... maybe its time to jack in the day job!].

Anti-authoritarian Dave

He's jolly lucid too, he once said “There is such a thing as society, it's just not the same thing as the state.” Now there was me getting all confused, state and society, power and the people...

There's even an anti-establishment streak to him: when he said he wanted “to set free the voluntary sector and social enterprises to deal with the linked problems that blight so many of our communities, of drug abuse, family breakdown, poor public space, chaotic home environments, high crime”, did he realise they were traditionally the province of government and that he was coming dangerously close to calling for the disestablishment of the state? Let's hope so.

Good Old Green David. Perhaps under his affectionate leadership, the Conservative Manifesto might end with “you have nothing to lose but your chains, you have a world to win”.

Topics: Westminster
See more of: Love your enemy